Play me first.
I am sitting in my sun-drenched backyard, listening to the wind play with the fruit trees. Gazing up at the clouds floating past me. Then I hear a plane. That feeling comes again, my heart flutters and tries to escape from my chest. To go back to the road. To go back home.
It’s been almost a year since I left Asia. I feel out of my element. I miss it as if it were the first and only lover I will ever have. But I am here for the road, and I’m working to be on it indefinitely. I’ve kept my balance with patience. But my heart can’t help it, I’m longing for home.
My mind drifts to that dream I had many nights ago. I was paddling out in warm crystal blue waters somewhere in Bali with a bunch of surfers. One looked back and smiled at me. I smiled back. Then I went in for a duck dive and looked up at the surface from the depth I was in. Then I woke up. I swear I thought I was still underwater and I could almost taste the salt water lingering in my mouth. The wanderlust itch has now consumed me entirely. I’m doing everything I can to pacify this longing until I’m there, but for now it’ll keep haunting me in dreams.
I woke up the next day. I had to move. Drive. Go somewhere. Get out of the familiar. The noise. The routine. The lights. The people. Every cell of me told me so. So I shoved some things in the car and drove to Joshua Tree.
There’s nothing like the open road. Ever since I was little, I’d pretend that the car I was in was still, and everything else is moving past me. The places, cars, time, and faces, all moving. And I am still.
Left leg perched up on my seat. Hand out the window making airwaves. The sun is descending. I am watching the light change colors, I knew I was close as I see the wind farm. The gateway to the desert. Then I drive and drive and drive until I see the Joshua trees.
The campgrounds were completely full. I didn’t bring a tent anyway, I just threw in a sleeping bag and blanket and thought I’d just sleep in the car or on a campground under the stars. I drove around for a bit. Got lost in the dark. Stopped somewhere to just breathe and drink in everything around me. Then I look up at the cosmos. And I got that feeling again. That feeling you get when you are alone with nature and then you feel like the only one left in the world. Then you feed on the stillness. And the stillness feeds on you.
I parked somewhere and slept in the car. At around 3am, the cold woke me up. I look up and the first thing I see is the moon. I just laid there awake in the back of the car. Just me and the moon. It’s the same moon I’ve always known, we’ve always known. Same moon that had always been there before we existed, before existing was even recognized. The same one that pulls the ocean tides. Same one we see when we are far away, in a different country, in a different place, unfamiliar and unknown. It’s the only thing that keeps us company no matter where we are. This is the gift of the cosmos. This is the gift of existing in the universe. Despite the vast infinite space we are in, the cosmos is our constant. It reminds us that we are never really alone.
I drifted to sleep again, a couple hours later I woke up to a brilliant sky. There is something about desert skies. A something that fills the vast space. Its colors harbors the silence and moves it, and it, moving everything. Everything in and outside of me.
A brand new day was ahead. There was so much to explore. I went to an old diner and filled my belly with delicious eggs, sourdough, and potatoes. Once I got in the National Park, I was transported into a different planet. It was so quiet. So damn quiet. It was perfect. I drove further and stopped to explore whenever I felt like it. I’d watch rock climbers summit the giant boulders. I hiked and hiked and hiked, crawling in between rocks, jumping from boulder to boulder. I paused to let the present settle in me, joining the beat of mother nature as I meditated on the beauty and practiced yoga without confines.
Longing makes us feel human. It reminds us that we are alive. It may be painful at times, but there is so much beauty in that kind of pain. It’s the kind of pain that pumps blood into your veins and fuels you as you struggle to climb that mountain. Whatever your version of a mountain may be. When we’re striving to attain something greater than ourselves, we thrive over that kind of pain. There is so much goodness in it.
And that’s the light found in the art of longing. Longing for something so badly that when you get there, it makes everything more vibrant and beautiful, it expands its worth. Like going to sleep or closing your eyes for a while, and when you open it, everything comes to life. As if you were seeing it for the first time.
As the Joshua trees behind me turn into specks blending into the golden light, the taste of the road lingers. My thirst has been slaked for a second. But my longing has been magnified. I am hungrier now. I feed on these short bursts of exploration. Engrossing myself in wanderer’s stories, travel memoirs, the haunting dreams of faraway places. I know this curse very well. I will never be truly content with normalcy and monotony. Nor will I ever be truly content with just a tiny taste of magnificence. I have to dive into it, swim in it, practically drown in it until it consumes me and I learn how to breathe in it. This is longing. This is wanderlust. This is my curse. A curse beautifully molded into a blessing.
As I drive for miles and miles, my mind couldn’t help but think of distant lands. I think of the journey I will soon embark upon. Chills go down my spine, goosebumps everywhere. And the goosebumps know. It’s not that long from now. I’m almost there.
And then everything continues to fly past me. The places, cars, time, and faces. They all fly past me. As I sit there. In awe. In stillness.
Finally, a new post! Btw, how do you edit your photos? I love how it evokes a feeling of nostalgia within me every time I look at them. Do you use a preset in Photoshop or something? Or do you manually edit them? Thanks! 🙂
Thanks Michi! I alter some Photoshop actions and edit it a bit through Lightroom.
I might just make the drive out to Joshua Tree myself! Thanks for the push 😉
You will love it 🙂
I´ll be rereading this a few times. Love how you put words to that longing and remind us we´re all connected through it, even when we´re alone. Gorgeous photos as always 🙂
Thank you! ❤
AmaZing no words after at all just the feeling which u penned down Stephanie u r a true inspiration and hope someday I can be the same free from the responsibilities of the nature and just TRAVEL U truly have MILES AND MILES BEFORE U GO TO SLEEP…………….!!! Hope to cross paths HAPPY TEAVELLING MATE!!!
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Thank you!
Beautiful post – to read and view.
Thanks Tanya ❤
I love California and how its wilderness begs for exploration. As always, beautiful writing and inspiring photos. 🙂
Thank you! It’s a good place to live in while I’m away from the road 🙂
This was so well written and gave me goosebumps. Great read!
Thanks Brenna!
Beautiful post and evoking of the longing for both home and road ( connection with self and others?). Thanks for both stirring and satiating a little of my wanderlust too. Happy travels!, Brad
Thanks Brad 🙂
Joshua Tree ❤
🙂
I love this post and your photos are beautiful!
I’ve been thinking of doing a road trip to the Cali desert and this is another good sign I should do definitely do it!
Thanks love! This is definitely a sign ❤
This is so beautiful. it’s probably only the second post of yours I’ve read… looking forward to more of your writing 🙂
Thank you ❤
What a truly beautiful post, and a beautiful song to go along with it!
You photographs have an incredible soul to them that really help to evoke the message that you are echoing with your writing.
Thank you for sharing your slice of life with us.
Thank you Katy!
Lol! Your beautiful blog may have just ruined my career! Man, that wanderlust is contagious! 🙂 Thanks!
Hahaha I’ll consider that a good thing 😉
Reblogged this on La Almohada de Lucas and commented:
Siempre es un placer leer este blog
So beautifully written. You evoke many of the feelings I have at the moment, stuck in the monotony of every day, the trap of a cold spring in Maine and busy weekends. Wanderlust on.
❤ ❤ ❤
Your post just brought tears to my eyes. Thank you. 🙂
Thank YOU, my dear.
Absolutely stunning post again! Poetry for the eyes and meditation for the mind, a tale brimming with “joie de vivre” and verve. Thanks for the inspiration and “keep shining!
Oh I love that phrase! Thank you ❤
Reblogged this on little thing called love.
“Then you feed on the stillness. And the stillness feeds on you.” Beautifully said. Love your words and spirit. Someday, I hope to experience the world as you do.
I hope your someday is soon ❤
Your gift with words is a blessing. For someone like me..not such a great writer or ever very clear when trying to express myself.. it’s as if you speak for my soul and my gypsy heart! Thank you.
Just keep writing love. A writer is a sum of his/her experiences, perception and the energy he/she chooses to radiate. It will flow out of you, and it will always be beautiful ❤
Reblogged this on flowwithjazz and commented:
She puts words to my soul’s gypsy desires.
Stephanie,
“Longing makes us feel human. It reminds us that we are alive. It may be painful at times, but there is so much beauty in that kind of pain. It’s the kind of pain that pumps blood into your veins and fuels you as you struggle to climb that mountain….”
You brought so much clarity to me with this paragraph…
Thank you ! 😀
Ahhh Angel! I miss you ❤
So beautiful! I’m dying to visit Joshua Tree and this just makes my longing worse.
It’s out of this world, you’d love it 🙂
Dear Satori , come to Nepal , please . love you ❤
Martha
Date: Thu, 3 Apr 2014 06:20:52 +0000 To: geet_4jesus@hotmail.com
I’ll be there this year ❤
Beautiful writing. Makes me want to long for something. Actually, I’m longing for home and trying to be where I am right now.
Thank you love ❤
Great read…thank you
❤
You are very welcome x
This was so beautiful: how we cope with desires BURSTING out of us in daily life, and how the pain is part of being human. Thank you for writing this. Thank you!
Thank you for reading! ❤
Your pictures are spectacular! And your words evoke the mind to go a drift into the clouds. Thank you for sharing.
Dreamy photos 🙂 and beautiful writing! adding Joshua tree to my bucket list for this year.